Eden Alexander

Multiple Award Nominated Adult Starlet. Fetish & BDSM Model. World Class Suspension Bondage Model. FemDom. Feminist. Future Pornographer. Latex Lover. Career CamGirl. Puppy Handler & Pony Girl. Total Pervert.

Host of KOFY tv's "Advice From An Adult Star."

2014 AVN Fan Awards nominee for Favorite WebCam Girl. vote here EVERY day!: http://avnawards.avn.com/voting/category/8%20%E2%80%A6/#nom420

your conditioning will tell you that it is you who are flawed, adding the burden of guilt to a heart already gasping for air.

"You are helpless as you watch the labor of your deepest love, your most sacred creation disappear under the dirt without you.

You want to hold it in your arms and join it in a sleep that never ends. You want to claw at the boundary of the earth between the two of you with your fingernails, but someone grabs you and pulls you away, and all you can do is wail.

You become hollow. You are missing a chunk of yourself, and no one can really see it once you put on your creamy lipstick and your designer dress, and you pluck your eyebrows and paint your fingernails and toenails to match. No. No one can see what you are missing; you look so well put together.

“The worst type of crying wasn’t the kind everyone could see — the wailing on street corners, the tearing at clothes. No, the worst kind happened when your soul wept and no matter what you did, there was no way to comfort it. A section withered and became a scar on the part of your soul that survived. For people like me… our souls contained more scar tissue than life.” ~ Katie McGarry

Maybe your closest friends think you are lonely, but it is worse than that: you have lost the part of yourself that you loved most. The last period has been stamped onto the page, and yet somehow you were left behind, running your fingertips over a leather bound cover slammed shut.

You are a character in a story that is over, and since this never happens in the fairy tales you were fed in your most formative years, you are lost. You no longer fit in the world, and there is no star that can grant your truest wish.
And yet there is hope, but it is not the hope you want. Your sadness becomes all you have left and you begin to cherish it, to worship at its feet so you never forget the most important thing that ever happened to you.

You hold it in your body and you feed it all your love, all your light, so that it stays, so that you can be closer to death. It will never sneak up on you again, because it never leaves your doorstep.

You hold it in your body and you feed it all your love, all your light, so that it stays, so that you can be closer to death. It will never sneak up on you again, because it never leaves your doorstep.

And they will tell you that you’re expected at the office by nine. They will recommend that you still go to church. They will expect you still to celebrate at birthdays, and pretend it doesn’t pain you when you must change your grocery list. No, you mustn’t cry when you have to put back the soy milk because the only one who drinks it is gone.

Well-meaning friends and family will repeat the lies repeated to them in their hours of need, but they will not reveal the truth. They will not tell you how angry they were when this trite advice was handed down to them, how they took it with a joyless, tight-lipped smile, and an insincere “thank you,” just as you will do.

They know no other way. There were things they valued more than their grief: unsmudged eyeliner, making their friends feel comfortable, staying unemotional at work.

Their platitudes won’t help you at all, but you’ll hear them so often from so many directions that you will begin to wonder why you can’t heed them. Instead of realizing the obvious truth: that the advice is terribly flawed, your conditioning will tell you that it is you who are flawed, adding the burden of guilt to a heart already gasping for air.

a beautiful letter i just got from a friend in high school…

Hay love…

I know things have been difficult for you… it has been a while since we spoke … i still remember what a beautiful giving creative free spirited kind person and friend you were to me. how beautiful you were and are. i still cherish that. It meant so much at that time of my life that you were so excepting with love and openness … i will always carry that with me …

you have no idea how your friendship was a blessing and to me still is …. the way you could take some thing ordinary and make it beautiful with your own signature like the collage chair you had in your room was for me some thing i fully appreciated about you. i wanted to take the time and let you know my door and heart is always open .. i have had a few knocks myself .. if there is ever a time you need any thing want to talk or just need some one to listen or laugh you are fully welcome here …..transitions are never easy … remember you are beautiful and fully loved…

P.s i have used that chair as a metaphor a few times for life … i think about you … i always talk of the chair how it may seemed broken ordinary run down or useless but she was creative , resourceful and saw its value and purpose. She had vision and created some thing beautiful , some thing that was meaningful to her .. she made it her own and gave it a purpose. , just sitting in your room i found your chair inspired me as did you …

I just really felt the urge to let you know … You call me any time and when i come north you will be the first person i will be blessed to hug and see … you needed for the truth … you are not alone nor have you been forgotten beautiful…

you are very much loved , appreciated , thought of and blessed … some times its hard to remember when we have so much on our plate and its hard to look up and breathe … i am sorry i did not take the time to convey sooner but i am glad i did today …


{Photo via Tumblr}

Inside, I yelled at him, told him all that I could never hope to tell him in real life. But I didn’t really feel it. I kept all of it at a distance, bathing it in darkness, as if when I next brought it to the light it would have healed, there in the shadows.

It has done so many times now, and it will many more times down the road. In these moments, I have learned that I do not need to feel foolish for hurting. I have accepted that it is not a sign of weakness.

What I felt was true; I loved the darkest shadows of his soul, and the burning brightness that strove so hard to keep them at bay. I loved all about him, even as I hated all that broke us. Even as it caused him to stray, his selfishness, which was both a strength and a fault, finally tearing us apart.

I loved him, and I will not be ashamed of that.

I’ll be a star, you keep directing me//Let’s make the best scene they’ve ever seen

I ask you what’s the matter//You say, oh it’s nothing at all
Heart’s racing, outta control//And you knew that I couldn’t let it go

You used to be this boy I loved//And I used to be this girl of your dreams
Who knew the course of this one drive//Injured us fatally
You took the best years of my life//I took the best years of your life
Felt like love struck me in the night//I pray that love don’t strike twice

Red lipstick, rose petals, heartbreak
I was his Marilyn Monroe
Brown eyes, tuxedo, fast cars
A James Dean on the low

Mother Mary, I swear I wanna change//Mister Jesus, I’d love to be a queen
But I’m from the left side of an island//Never thought this many people would even know my name
As time flies, way above me//For you I’ve cried, tears sea-deep
Oh glory, the prayers carry me

What’s love without tragedy?

Why did they suspend my twitter account?

on Tuesday, June 24th, at almost exactly 2pm, my twitter page @EdenAlexanderXX was suspended. since then, i have contacted twitter on a weekly basis, changed the pictures on my profile, added a phone number to my account, and still, now 13 days later, haven’t even been given a *reason* yet as to why i was suspended.

i have never heard of someone having their account suspended for this long with out it being deleted/taken down, or at least not being given an answer as to why? i have over 35.5k followers it took me 3.5 years to build up. it is also almost impossible to work and book shoots without an open and active twitter account. i cannot open a new account, bc the TOS states that if i do that, both pages will be deleted permanently. I’d like to work with twitter in resolving whatever this issue is, I am more than happy to.

if everyone could please re-tweet (obviously i can’t)  and re-blog this post, and tweet to @twittter and @support and ask them why i have been shut down for so long with zero communication, i would appreciate it very much. 2 very suspicious things happened both the night before and the same day my page was shut down, and i’m correlated to neither circumstances. i don’t want to bring up/blog about anything i’m not related to, but if i continue to have a suspended account all week long, i’m going to have to bring up both. this is ridiculous and i did nothing wrong. i have not worked since March bc of my long term chronic illness and the stress of being in “Twittter jail” on top of everything else I’ve gone through has been almost debilitating, as i’m still dealing with chronic pain and a heart condition on a day to day basis. i need your guys’ help. please.

i would appreciate any and all support, RTs, and re-blogs i can get this week. in the meantime, i can be contacted here on my Tumblr blog. i hope this is nothing but a big misunderstanding.

miss y’all and thanks, love, health, be kind.

Eden Alexander

no chains

i always wanted to be a singer, but i ended up a poet.
i always wanted to be a model, but i ended up a film maker.
i always wanted to be a wife and mother, but instead,
i ended up this thing, this creature,
me.  i am free.
there is a difference between our immoralities…
as similar as we may seem.
because i am no vampire, i’ve salvaged my humanity.
we have all seen me meet my Maker,
but not ignobly.
for i’m more like an old redwood tree, with all humility.
roots. rings. tall.
you look up, and i go on forever. farther than you can see.
but you’re so dark inside, at dawn you retreat.
you’ve never had the light inside of you
to see the real truth inside of me.
it swallows you whole, overwhelms you…
you have melted. you need to feed. that’s never who i intended to be.
but it takes patience to See,
and that my love, you could never be.
so, if you can muster your patience no more,
then think of the trees.
think of me.

so mote it be.

and while i’m away… dust out the demons inside, then it won’t be long…

(Source: youtube.com)